This is the longest break I've taken from the blog in some time. I write that as if I intentionally took a break verses the truth – I just haven't been able to sit down and write. It's ironic really because I've never needed to write more than I have in the past two months – but I had so many thoughts that everytime I would sit down to write I would freeze up. Nothing would come out – nothing coherent anyway.

Tonight may be no different, but what is different is that I'm posting it no matter what. I've got to get back in the swing and if that means putting bad writing out into the world, so be it. (Sorry.)

This picture was taken as we drove home from our vacation. We were about two hours from home having driven 10 hours already that day. 18 hours total over two days! Don't they look like they are having a blast?

It isn't moving. It didn't even work. They loved it. I guess an 18 hour drive will make even the smallest things seem great. We drove 36 hours in total to spend a half day in Nashville, four days on the beach, and a half day in the Great Smoky Mountains. It was a great week. Not quite as relaxing as last year. The kids had outgrown the kiddie pool and wanted to be at the ocean or in the bigger pools where they needed supervision. This resulted in an incredibly fun week, but not a relaxing week.

That really sums up life lately – it's a lot of fun and there is a lot going on, but it isn't very relaxing. The kids are just entering that stage of life with sports and activities. We are only doing one thing at a time, so it isn't even close to crazy compared to other families, but it's busy. We have the new church that we absolutely love and we are investing in the people there. We have added so many wonderful new friends and so many great opportunities to serve the community. “All good things, all good things,” as Olaf would say, but more busy. My job is extremely busy, beyond comprehension really, but I'm blessed to work for a company that doesn't ask me to sacrifice my evenings and weekends except for the occasional deadline. Even with that, the lingering task list can encroach on your ability to be truly present. It's all so good.

It's all so good and yet I've felt abandoned lately. I've felt like I couldn't carry it all, couldn't get it all done, couldn't live up to my expectations, or anyone elses. My husband has felt the brunt of this more than anyone, because if I couldn't meet my expectations, he couldn't either. I've been hyper-critical and difficult. I looked forward to our vacation as a time to renew my mind – and didn't have a moment to think the entire week. I came home having enjoyed our time, but not renewed.

I feel like I hear God speaking into my life more than I have at any other time and I feel overwhelmed by blessings and opportunities, but at the end of the day I feel so inadequate.

So earlier this week I kind of just broke down inside, and I've kept breaking down all week. But we had dinner with friends yesterday and they breathed a little life into me. We got some amazing news today about The Chapel and I'm so excited. I'm finally writing – no matter that it's a confessional to my inadequacy – I'm writing! I got to spend some time at my therapist and start to work through some pain that I've been struggling with, and we talked about my writers block. I feel like maybe the drought is subsiding and God is ready to rebuild.

I sat down to write feeling like an abandoned building and I'm finishing it feeling like a gutted piece of architecture just brimming with possibilities. It's amazing how 'empty' can be without hope through one lense, and nothing but hope through another.

I've got an exciting month ahead. If I can only remember that it is not through my strength or effort – then I think I can give the Architect of my life room to work. If He could be exhausted, I would have done it by now – constantly underfoot with ideas. I think I'll just try to go stand in the corner and see what He has in mind.

 

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