Sometimes life is so much harder than it should be. There are so many competing demands for my time. There are the things I have to do; eat, work, bathing and feeding the littles, and sleeping. Then there are the multitude of things I want to do; learn how to program, volunteer, exercise, improve my photography, play with the littles, go on dates with my husband, write about all of it, make awesome Pinterest ideas into incredible Christmas gifts, and pretend to paint.

I go through this roller coaster on a quarterly basis – I get really excited about the opportunities in front of me. I make plans to move forward. I get started on some things….and then I hit a valley and I feel like there will never be enough time to do what is demanded of me, much less those things that fall outside of demands.

Then I get mad – because it is those things that fall outside of the demands that feel like LIVING to me. If I only do what is demanded of me then I don’t understand the point of it all.

What is the point of it all – there are women in the world, as a matter of fact the majority of women in the world, whose lives revolve around surviving. The point of their tomorrow is to find the sustenance that will allow them and their children to make it to the next day – and the point of that day will be the same, for all of their days.

Perhaps it is that fact, the fact that I am in a minority of blessed people who could and should be changing the world because I CAN – it is that, that causes me to burn with the desire for more than meeting the demands. I want to exceed the demands of my small life so that I can join hands with the other men and women around me and EXCEED the needs of others.

I want my life to be turned upside down so that I can give the most of myself to the cause of exceeding and the leftover to the demands. I am tired of giving the leftovers of my energy and time and heart to the things that matter the most. How did we let this happen? How did we let the world turn upside down?

This broken world has angered me. Over and over and over. I am angry that I know what I should do but I don’t do it. Even the leftover is often wasted.

Inhale 1…2…3….4….5…6….7…8 Exhale 1…2….3….4….5….6….7

Ironically this tirade is funded in part by my annual practice of focusing on what I’m thankful for during the month of November. It is this gratitude and joy with so much of life, that has triggered an avalanche of desire, and guilt, and need, and drive. I have so much, and I should be doing so much more with it.

So. What now? I do not know – I will keep trying. I will shrink it down to smaller points of time. I will make each hour mean something until I get a day full and go from there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I have to be productive or crazy busy every hour – some hours will be spent in stillness and silence – and they will be cherished. I just want every moment to be as intentional as possible. I want to live my life intentionally.

Do any of you have this figured out – any tips for those of use that get bogged down in the details of life? What do you do that fills you up?

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