03. January 2012 · 6 comments · Categories: Faith

“Whether this tragedy is preventable or not is now irrelevant.  It is not preventable today.”   This was the response of a comedian to a singer’s untimely death but it spoke to me – it resonated and has stayed with me.

How many of us live our lives in the ‘what if’ and ‘if only’?  How many days are wasted in a stupor of longing – wishing things had been different?  It is not preventable today.   All of the longing in the world won’t change a second of our past.  Regret, wishes, reconstruction – none of it results in real change.  It is not preventable today.

How many of us are watching a tragedy unfold and are unable to act?  How many of us know that we are making choices today that will one day become an unpreventable tragedy?   We move through life as if there will always be time to mend and set right.  We act as if the pain can always be reversed.  We learn to walk with this limp and pretend we will never again long to sprint.  Do we still have time?  Can this be prevented?

The first 30 years of my life – were like watching a high drama unfold.  I lived my life like I was auditioning for a soap opera.  I lived like my choices had no long term impact – and at the lowest points I lived like I didn’t care what tragedy my choices may result in.  And then I stopped.

The last ten years I lived purposefully, full of self responsible mindedness.  I’ve made choices with a clear head and heart and my life now would never ever be made into a soap opera by even the most desperate producer.  My life is devoid of drama.  I simply stopped.  Well, did I say simply?

While it is true to say I stopped, it is also very critical to complete that sentence – I stopped running.  I stopped running from a past I didn’t want.  I stopped running from wise counsel.  I stopped running from the truth that was inside me.  I stopped running and I found God.  He had been in hot pursuit.  The hot breath I felt bearing down my neck?  God’s breath as he pursued.  That nagging feeling that if I stopped something would end my life?  God again, but the ending of what I called a life wasn’t anything to avoid.  The fear that if I stopped I would lose control?  Losing control was the one thing that could save me.  I kinda sucked at being in control.

I made choices – some part of the public record and some between me and some very nice therapists, that I will look upon with sadness and regret all of my life.  But none since I stopped running.

And even with that truth – I struggle with my faith.  I have some very smart friends who don’t believe and I will tell you honestly, cause God already knows – sometimes I’m embarrassed to say I believe in a God that lives in Heaven and created this earth.  It sounds like a fairy tale when I think about it logically.  When I apply their arguments I get a queasy feeling – I grow restless and uneasy.  I have doubts – and I mean mountainous doubts – not little tiny doubts.    It bothers me at times that Heaven belongs to those with faith like a child…

But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” (Matthew 19:14 NLT)

Before, my idea of a child was me, making stupid choices and bad decisions.  I didn’t realize all that started long after I could legitimately claim to be a child.  Come to find out it’s hard to know what it means to be childlike without really spending some time with children.  Go figure.

After I stopped running I became a parent and started raising children.   The design of our lives is a thing of beauty and unfettered wonder because as a parent, I get to see how children love.  I see how they have faith in me – an imperfect woman with more mistakes than she ever wants to reveal.  Pure and complete faith.  I get to see what it means to be childlike and I find it doesn’t mean stupid.

Childlike means:


Being childlike means shirking off the weight of the world and being light.  It means being Light.

And I realize that I’m going to look stupid without that weight on me.  I’m going to look stupid if I have all of those wonderful characteristics because this world is heavy and to see someone navigating it lightly is foreign and looks kinda insane.  So I remind myself of this when those doubts crowd in.  I remind myself of the before and after pictures of my life.  I remind myself that what others believe is not relevant to what I believe.  I have my own life and my own set of circumstances to draw from.  I have my own faith.

A faith that prevented tragedy.

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