I am truly amazed at how comforting doubt can be. The older I get, the less I am confidant about, and the more comforted I am by that lack of confidence. The bravado of youth is exhausting, constantly challenged, and inevitably found to be lacking. It was exhausting to think I had everything figured out and find time and again that I did not. The result – years of doubt and a constant readjustment on the footholds on life. I would learn a big lesson and think, “There, I’ve figured it out, that was the missing piece.” Only to learn another BIG lesson a week later, or a month later, or whenever. I readjusted my life around this new learning and confidently took off on my journey thinking that’s it – now I’m rolling!

As I enthusiastically approach 40 I am excited, not because I have everything figured out but because I know I do not and I will not. Ever. More importantly I am ok with it. I rest easy in doubt and appreciate the mystery of life. Ah, yes, I rest easy in my doubt. I have readjusted my beliefs in the last twenty minutes – let alone what I’ve made of myself in the last year. I am a constant work in progress. I’m no further and no closer to the Great Truth than I was the day I was born. How liberating to realize that no one has everything figured out. If you think you do…well, I fear it is an illusion.

I was once terrified to admit to anyone that I had doubts – especially about my faith. Even now, writing this, I think of people I know that may be shocked or even offended by doubt. I’m not scared of it anymore – I have doubts. There are inconsistencies in this world that I find horrifying, simply and completely horrifying. I’ve experienced nothing compared to so many – my losses are trivial and insignificant. But you know what – even my small losses in this life are horrifying to me. Unfair. Wrong. Horrifying. So to not have doubt, for me, is to be dishonest. It is minimizing and dismissive.

To embrace doubt in the midst of profound faith is a beautiful thing. I’ve never felt closer to God than when I come to him passionate and angry and frustrated. He is never so big to me as He is when I come to Him broken by this world. My why’s are never answered, my passion is only resolved by fatigue and resignation. There are times when I simply break and give up. There are times that I walk away, too confused to stay, too sad. That is beautiful to me.

What my doubt has taught me, by embracing it, is that I can walk away as far as I need to, want to, or accidentally find myself. But when I turn around I’m no further than when I first ran in with my questions. There are no answers – no certainty for almost everything. There are no easy answers for almost everything. There are no answers. For almost everything.

Love one another and love Me. One answer, for almost everything. There comes a point in your life that you have to decide to be ok with one answer, for almost everything. I don’t know why, but I love you. I don’t know why, but what can I do for you right now? I don’t know why, but I was sent here, right now, to love you, to serve you. I don’t know why, but I know I’m supposed to be a part of the answer. I love you. Tell me how to show you love, right now, in the midst of this.

There comes a point in your life when you realize how big of an answer that one answer is.

Love one another and love Me. My doubt can fit in that answer. My doubt is, in fact, perfectly resolved. Why, why why my heart screams and so so often there is just this. Just this one answer. Love one another and love Me. And finally, finally I understand. It is more than enough. There is no answer – not for the questions I ask. I ask questions that I’m not equipped to have answered. Not yet.

But I’m equipped to love and be loved. I’m equipped for this.



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