So I'm going to start participating in Five Minute Friday from Lisa Jo Baker's blog….if you are a blogger I would encourage you to as well! A good mind exercise for your Friday – nice to just sit and write – whatever comes out is what you go with!

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Topic for the day is Present…I wish I could be more present.

I've read some really fascinating things about being present. The reality is the present is all that really exists – the right now. Any thought I have about my past is just my version of my past and my views. Uniquely my own make believe, really.

Any thought I have about my future is simply conjecture, hope, sometimes a little trepidation (see Kindergarten post).

I think that for me being present is the key to happiness. The ability to let go of any post regrets and focus on the here and now – that would be wonderful. And yet, even as I write that I am flooded by the amazing and inspiring memories I have of these last seven years with Greg and now the littles. How horrible would it be to never think of those memories. So there is some good to be had in the past. I certainly learned a lot that I bring with me to this very present moment.

As for the future – anticipation and goals are good – worry and fretting are not. But in any case – whether you are reliving good memories or anticipating awesome futures – you are missing the present moment. Life is the present. I will never retrieve these five minutes – but I can be glad that I was fully aware for each one of them. Writing to the ether, contemplating the joy of being present.

And now I'm off – to be present while I prepare for my, anticipated, date night!

 

 

“On Fridays around these parts we like to write. Not for comments or traffic or anyone else’s agenda. But for pure love of the written word. For joy at the sound of syllables, sentences and paragraphs all strung together by the voice of the speaker.

We love to just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. For five minutes flat.

Here’s how we do it:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat with no editing, tweaking or self critiquing.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog’s footer}.

3. Go and tell the person who linked up before you what their words meant to you. Every writer longs to feel heard.

OK, are you ready? Give me your best five minutes for the prompt: Present.”

Lisa-Jo Baker’s Five Minute Friday

10. July 2013 · 2 comments · Categories: Faith, Family

The first day of kindergarten is August 15th. Do you realize how soon that is? Summer just started, Grace was just born, I just got married! How, pray tell, does this happen?

Soon we will go buy supplies, and lay out new clothes. We will go meet the teacher, and see her class, and then we will do it. We will take her to school – and just, just leave her there, all day.

Part of me is like, “Oh, yes, this really is hard. I'm going to cry. Oh, so this is how you felt, too?”

But mostly – I am just like, “NO.”

Five years is not enough. Not enough time hearing her innocent laughter. Not enough time cuddling her close. Not enough time being her primary influence.

Five years is to young. Too young to go and meet all these people that I don't even know. It's irresponsible to let her spend time with people that I don't know. This is irresponsible.

I often dream of a different life. I long for a world where we don't have to work and instead spend our time in creative endeavors that fill our soul. A life where we didn't have to go out into the big, bad world, but instead just create a world of our own. A life where my children are with me always.

I've been blessed to be awfully close to that for five years and there is nothing that can detract from the amazing blessing of working from home during these years. The ability to hug a hurt away or just hear their laughter between phone calls and meetings has been the greatest blessing. But now it's changing. Now, she is leaving our little sanctuary.

I don't want her to ever be hurt. I don't want her to come home and tell me that all the girls are going to spend the weekend together and she isn't invited. I don't want her to ever feel like she is a smidgen less than the blessed daughter of an amazing God. I remember how hard school can be and how it can wreck a tender heart. I can't voluntarily send her into the fray, can I? Who would do that?

I want to tell you that the friendships that I so cherish today and the friendships that I long for today – were made in school, too. I want to tell you that I realize there is good with the bad. I want to tell you I see the silver lining. I want to, that's all true after all.

But just as true is that I fear for her so much. She is so precious, so special to me, and I fear for her so much. Such a large part of me is so reluctant to let her go. Sometimes it is comforting to just acknowledge the fear. Sometimes I just need to sit with my big ugly feelings and let them know I know they are there.

This is life, isn't it? Moving forward in spite of our fear. This is where I call on the Spirit within me to calm my fears. This is where I can do for her what I want her to do for her own someday.

Years from now I want her to sit down and acknowledge all of the fears that she has. I want her to have a place to admit that the very best resolution would be to disappear and live on a deserted island with her family. I want her to be comfortable enough to just feel whatever comes over her. And then?

Then I want her to put away her fears. I want her to remember that life is mostly beautiful. I want her to remember that those girls were doing the best they could when they hurt her. I want her to realize that she survived and thrived despite the challenges in her life. No, actually, because of them. I want her to know that she is equipped to deal with this moment. I want her to remember that she is a daughter of the most amazing God, and she is never without His love and protection.

I want her to remember what an awesome first day she had and how, despite what she read when she was older, her mommy made her feel like it was the very best day ever. And, it was…

03. July 2013 · 5 comments · Categories: Faith

I feel very exposed this week. Very vulnerable. I feel like I've told too much, revealed too much. I feel like, “What in the world were you thinking, Julie?” So I thought I would just pile on to that….

The Supreme Court's decision in regard to Gay marriage resulted in a lot of people I really respect writing some really profound things I really agree with. Then I went and shared them. Er, eek.

I know that my beliefs are not a mainstream, traditional Christian approach. I know that a lot of people I love and respect believe very differently than I do. I know that I may have shocked a few people. I know that I have disappointed some.

But one thing I also know, the one thing that has allowed me to be honest about what I believe, is the fact that God knew before I ever shared an article, had a conversation, or made a public statement.

God knows my heart. For me, a believer in the God of the Bible, a follower of Jesus, it seemed like what really would be the wrong thing to do was to let people assume what I believed. What I really feared was people believing I was something that I was not. Even if I knew they may prefer their assumption of me better than the real me.

Here is what I really believe: It is my job to Love, the Spirit convicts people to change, and God judges the heart.

I, in my humanity, cannot understand how homosexuality is a sin. I would not be surprised to learn that there is a genetic driver to it. I don't feel like it is a choice, I think people are born that way. And yes, I have read the Bible.

I know the Bible is pretty black and white – about a lot of things – like how to treat your slaves, when to cut your hair, and homosexuality. We don't seem to have any problem contextualizing things that don't offend our sensibilities. But this, this is the hill so many have chosen to die on. This particular sin will result in a loss of rights. This one, not say, divorce. Divorce, which we could also move to make illegal. Divorce is definitely not approved. Maybe we should ban divorce and re-marriage? Divorce is certainly killing the family with violent effectiveness.

But public policy and politics are not really effective means of changing the heart. I don't think a ban on divorce would stop people from marrying the wrong people. I don't think public policy means anything to God. He is more of a heart God. So that's what I keep asking myself, how's my heart? Not anyone else's, just mine. And when I land on the side of love my heart is good. So that's where I land.

I know we claim you can love the person but hate the sin, but from everyone gay person I've talked to they don't really feel like they are two different things. They don't feel like you are saying their behavior is a sin, they hear you saying THEY are a sin. To them, it really just feels like hate. And I don't want them to feel hate. Not from me. Not from my faith. You see, my faith, it's a beautiful and precious thing to me. It has been a tough battle, God has fought long and hard for me. I've had to overcome a lot of shortcomings and really life altering mistakes. The God I love, who has forgiven me so much, the God I met in the Bible, the God I've come to cherish – He is who I listen to. He told me to Love.

If one day I find that I am wrong, I know our God still loves me. I know that I will understand how I got so off track. I know it will all make sense. I know He has already forgiven me.

If one day you find that you are wrong, I know our God still loves you. I know that you will understand how you got so off track. I know it will all make sense. I know He has already forgiven you.

I believe that my love for people will reconcile more people's heart with a loving God than my judgement would. I believe that my choice to love will be loved. I believe in Love.

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